Shitty Kitty

Is this the face of a shit terrorist?

My husband and I were enjoying an intimate dinner downstairs when all of a sudden our new kitty Kiki galloped through the upstairs hallway, flied down the stairs and came to a skidding halt in the kitchen. She looked nervously behind her to see if whatever was stalking her hadn’t followed. She appeared to have seen a ghost but she also looked a little guilty. We puzzled over our cat’s skittishness for just a few moments before the first whiff assaulted our noses. The smell was far worse than any pig farm or paper mill combined could ever produce, and our eyes instantly began to water and our noses began to run.

Since the cats have always been considered mine, I got the pleasure of investigating this nasal invader. I gagged as I climbed the stairs to the bonus room where the kitty litter box was stored. The smell just increased as I got closer. By the time I reached the litter box, the smell nearly knocked me over. I couldn’t believe this doodie of death had come out of a little cat’s ass. I quickly grabbed the pooper scooper, buried the smelly shit and grabbed some air freshener in a futile attempt at extinguishing the horrific stench. After being overpowered by the odor, I hurried back downstairs thinking there would be relief there. I found none. My husband had abandoned the house for the deck outside. I spotted him through the windows taking in deep breaths as he wiped his eyes.

I was determined to tough it out and get rid of the smell that had invaded our happy home, so I lit all of the candles in the house and sought out the creator of the stench. I found her cowering under the dining room table with her poop stink mingling with the smells of our once mouth watering meal. I cornered her and lifted her tail – sure enough there was a strip of the toxic sludge stuck to her tail. I quickly got some anti-bacterial wipes and began trying to extricate the shit from her fur. She fought me but I was able to pin her down while I cleaned her up. Finally I had to cut a large chunk out of her hair. I flushed the pile of wipes and hair down the toilet. Now that the menace had been contained and removed, I myself needed a shower. By the time I got out of the shower, the odor had dissipated and we thought life would return to normal. Silly us, thinking it was a one time deal.

Our sweet, simple, adorable Kiki has continued her shit bombs from hell for nearly 4 years now. The entire time she’s unloaded craps so foul that they send her fleeing before she gets a chance to cover them up. I’ve taken her to several vets who assure me that all this is normal and that there is nothing we can do but endure. So, that is what we do. We have a healthy stock of Neutra Air (it works!) and as soon as we hear her tear ass from the litter box room, we know to immediately go bury it before the smell engulfs the entire house. We’ve never thought about getting rid of her – she’s family. We love her, even with her shits that could be useful as biological weapons or a remedy for congested nasal passages. Now, what a minute, there’s an idea. I can see it now: Coming to a store near you, Shitty Kitty Nasal Punch brand nasal spray – Yeah, that’ll kill your cold.