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World Toilet Day is November 19!

11 Nov

Have you hugged your toilet today?Every day I use a toilet.  How about you?  Every once in awhile some unforeseen act of God wreaks havoc with my routine and I need to hide behind a tree. But those incidents become fodder for the blog or the book.  They’re exceptions to the rule.  Most of the time my deposits are left in a toilet.  And I take that for granted.

This Saturday is World Toilet Day.  That’s right.  It’s a real thing.  You can Google it, and when you do, you’ll find the World Toilet Organization is behind the event.  In 2001, the World Toilet Organization declared November 19 a day to bring awareness to the global sanitation crisis.  Over 2.6 BILLION people don’t have access to proper sanitation.  That is a lot of shit.

Flush This Book is partnering with the World Toilet Organization to help their efforts to implement sanitation in developing countries.  It’s about dignity, and it’s about health.    Each year, nearly two million children under the age of five die from diarrheal diseases.  This is unacceptable.  A clean toilet.  A clean place to wash up after using a toilet.  In the 21st century, this isn’t too much to ask.

In honor of World Toilet Day, we’ve released an ebook edition of Flush This Book for only 99 cents.  A portion of the proceeds will be donated to the World Toilet Organization.  One of the great things that the WTO does is to provide quality toilets at very low costs to local vendors they help train in developing countries. They stimulate local economies in impoverished areas, provide low-cost toilet systems that are environmentally sound and raise the quality of life in areas that would otherwise be overrun by disease.  Please help us help them.

Officially stepping off the soapbox now. Debbie Downer has left the building.

For additional comic relief buy the ebook, enjoy the laughs and feel good about donating to a great cause.

For more information about the World Toilet Organization and what you can do to celebrate World Toilet Day click here: http://www.worldtoilet.org/WTD/toolkit_15.html

Buy the book now and help the WTO here:

Buy Flush This Book now at Amazon and Barnes and Noble!

http://www.amazon.com/Flush-This-Book-Malfunctions-ebook/dp/B0066VF7IC/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1321631098&sr=1-1

Listen to Jane’s hilarious interview on the Verbal Oragami radio show

15 Apr

From the Verbal Origami website: DK takes us into uncharted waters, we literally go to the shitter. That’s right tonight we bring in Jane Gari one of the authors of Flush This Book, a book all about bodily malfunctions. It’s a spirited look into one of life’s seldom talked about, but truly necessary functions, flatulence and bowel movements. First the host and author exchange some funny stories then the phone lines light up! Tonight its DK at the out house, not a water cooler. Weird news, funny parodies and prank calls are in the show as always. More news on the much speculated up and coming Coast to Coast Co-host search.

Listen here:

Verbal Origami Radio Show – prerecorded

 

World Water Day is March 22!

21 Mar

Image

Thirsty?  Want a glass of water?  Go get one.  Easy, right?  Most of us can simply walk to the nearest tap and drink what comes out.  Over a BILLION people in the world can’t do that.  They have no access to clean drinking water—as a result, 4,500 children die EVERY DAY.  

In 1993 the United Nations declared March 22 “World Water Day,” a day to bring awareness to the global water crisis.  This year’s theme is “The World is Thirsty Because We Are Hungry.”  I thought this was an odd theme before doing some research.  I thought I would just write a blog entry about how we all need to take shorter showers and follow the “if it’s yellow let it mellow; if it’s brown flush it down” philosophy. 

As with most crises the world faces, the elephant in the room is population growth.  There are a lot of people on the planet and only a finite amount of resources.  So what can we do?  This year the UN isn’t merely asking Westerners to turn off the tap while brushing their teeth—that kind of behavior is helpful, but it’s literally only a drop in the bucket. 

Most of us have become aware of the term “Carbon Footprint” in the past few years.  What is more surprising is the “Water Footprint” modern life impresses on the environment.  The majority of global water consumption isn’t from downing gallons of drinking water.  Agriculture is the main drain on the world’s water supply—farming accounts for over 90% of the world’s water consumption.  But we all need to eat.  In fact, most of our water intake actually comes from the foods we eat.  So how can we help mitigate water shortages and still feed the world? 

“Sustainable” is the new buzzword in the world of all things “Green” these days, but there’s a good reason for that.  We can’t simply siphon off the world’s resources indefinitely and expect that this behavior will “sustain” life as we know it.  That’s insane.  The principles of “sustainability” are especially applicable to water consumption.  One of the best things you can do to save water is going to sound really weird.  It’s a little more radical than turning off the faucet when you brush.  Brace yourself. 

Eat less meat.

Don’t freak out.  I didn’t say eat none.  Just less.  To produce one pound of beef it takes between 2,500 to 5,000 gallons of water.  To produce one pound of wheat it only takes 25 gallons.  Yep.  Grains and vegetables demand MUCH less water.

But take heart.  This behavior will not only lessen your individual impact on the environment and save water specifically, it will also help you personally.  Your overall health will improve.  Modern medicine backs this up—I’m not just some hippie telling you to hug a cow.  Google “Meat consumption and cancer” and see the scary stuff that pops up from reputable sources.  Yikes!

So eat less meat.  Your prostate and colon will thank you.  And you’ll lessen your “Water Footprint.” 

Happy World Water Day!

For more information on World Water Day visit http://www.unwater.org/worldwaterday/

Are you now depressed about the world’s water crisis?  Need a laugh? Buy Flush This Book and not only will you laugh, but you’ll be donating to two great organizations that help improve sanitation and access to clean water world wide.  We will donate a portion of our proceeds to the World Toilet Organization and DefeatDD.

Poopy Pinkie Update

5 Mar

A dog with infinite patience is a treasure.

Children are impressionable and are firm advocates of the Monkey-See-Monkey-Do philosophy of life.  As parents, we’re aware of these facts, but there are still moments when we’re taken by surprise. 

My little Phoebe has been my frequent sidekick on trips to the vet with our dog Gretzky.  The most recent one, however, had quite an impact on her curiosity and penchant for reenactment.  I was folding laundry last week in the master bedroom when my daughter walked in and handed me a small hairbrush she has had since infancy.

“Mommy, can you please wash this hairbrush?  It stinks.”

I sized up the manner in which she held the thing—pinching the portion that housed the bristles between her thumb and forefinger with one hand, pinching her nose shut with the other. 

“Why does it stink?” I asked. 

“Because it was in Gretzky’s butt.” 

Phoebe offered this explanation without fanfare, and without the laughter that would accompany such an outrageous statement if it were meant as a joke.  I eyed the hairbrush suspiciously.  The evidence I was hoping not to find was streaked on the otherwise white handle—only a smear of light brown, but enough to let inquiring minds know where it had been.  The dog came into view of the bedroom’s doorframe.  He looked okay, but he was sporting those “Help Me” eyes I have seen many times since my daughter’s birth four years ago.

“Why was the hairbrush in Gretzky’s butt?”  I asked, still a little fazed that I had occasion to utter the words.

“Because I was pretending to take his temperature like the vet did,” Phoebe answered in a tone that implied I should have known this already. 

“Phoebe, only the vet is allowed to take Gretzky’s temperature.  Do you understand?  I know you wanted to pretend you were helping Gretzky, but you are not allowed to put anything in the dog’s butt.  Nothing goes in Gretzky’s butt.  Nothing,” I still could not believe the necessity of the conversation.

Phoebe, looking visibly disappointed, turned on her heel and went to sulk in her room.

And I went to the bathroom with the hairbrush.  And some bleach.

Poopy Pinkie

4 Feb
Butt covers for dogs to protect those fingers!

Maybe Gretzky can wear one of these butt covers next time. (find them at etsy!)

Recently my dog Gretzky was diagnosed with Cushings Disease.  Don’t start crying or anything—it’s totally treatable and he will be fine.  But we didn’t know that two weeks ago when I took both the dog and my four-year-old to the veterinary specialist exam that would determine whether or not he had the more vicious form of the disease caused by cancerous tumors on the adrenal glands.  This was a serious vet visit, so I had read my daughter the riot act while we awaited the arrival of the vet in the exam room.

“Mommy needs to talk with the doctor about Gretzky.  This is very important for his health.  I need to listen to him very carefully because Mommy and Daddy are going to have to make decisions that will help him and I need all the information Gretzky’s doctor will give me to make those decisions.  Do you understand?”

“I should be quiet,” little Phoebe answered.

“Yes.  Do not interrupt unless it is an absolute emergency.”

“Like having to poop right away or if I’m sick?”

“Yes, Phoebe.  Those count as emergencies.  But you’re not sick and you pooped this morning, so I think you’ll be able to sit quietly.”

The vet arrived on the scene and checked Gretzky out—thoroughly.  This included a generous dose of lube for my poor dog’s ass and an invasive rectal exam.  I felt so bad for the pup that I forgot to ask why the procedure was even necessary.

The vet droned on about the need for an ultrasound and the possibility of tumors and the risks of surgery.  About ten minutes into his diatribe my daughter tugged at my sleeve with that special brand of annoying notorious among children.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she hissed in her version of a whisper that always precludes any real hope for privacy.  “I have an emergency.”

“Do you need to puke?”  I asked this in a tone devoid of sympathy but ramped up in the scolding department.

Phoebe shook her head no.

“Do you need to use the bathroom urgently?”

Phoebe shook her head no.

“Then whatever you need to say can wait.”  I turned to the vet, “I am so sorry.  Please continue.”

And he did.  And so did Phoebe’s interruptions.  She tried patting my knee gently and hissing my first name when ‘Mommy’ wasn’t eliciting so much as a glance from me.

Then she resorted to making noises.  She emitted low groans that sounded like she was either trying to hold in an explosive fart or was inhaling the consequences of one.

The vet and I ignored her and continued to discuss Gretzky’s fate.  This was difficult as the progression of noises grew stranger, mostly resembling an ancient door creaking on its hinges while being opened one excruciating millimeter at a time.

By the time the vet left the room, I was fuming.

“Okay Phoebe.  What was so important that you needed to be so rude for the past forty minutes?”

She held up the pinky of her right hand.  “The reason I was interrupting is because Gretzky backed into me while you guys were talking and my pinky got stuck in his butt.  It was in there for a long time.  His butt is really wet and disgusting today.  Anyway, I got it out without you.  Can I go wash my finger?”

I was speechless.  Incredulous.  The dog just sat there wagging his tail—no longer suffering from unsolicited anal probing.  Phoebe’s finger was coated in a dubious slime tinged with what Crayola might have dubbed ‘burnt sienna.’

My stomach churned a bit and I cupped my mouth with my hand, but my disgust quickly dissolved into a fit of laughter that my daughter participated in for a good four minutes.

But then we went and washed that pinky.  And then washed it again.

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