Tag Archives: colonoscopy fun

They’re Like Opinions. Everyone Has One.

14 Mar

surgical gloved handsOf all possible varieties of doctor visits, those pertaining to the ass are perhaps the most embarrassing.  Don’t get me wrong, trips to the OB/GYN and urologist top the list as well.  Nothing makes a woman feel quite as vulnerable as some good old-fashioned stirrups, and urologists have been known to scare a penis into tiny-turtle-mode. Although everyone has a rump, universal ownership does not preclude individual mortification.  Trust me.  Unfortunately, I know what I’m talking about. 

On a trek through Europe in ’94, I gorged myself on bread and cheese, oblivious that the combination would produce enough ass-spackle to clog my internal plumbing and warrant a doctor’s visit.  Once you’ve had a nurse spread your cheeks while a doctor conducts a probing that results in a latex puppet show starring your own shit, your threshold for embarrassment reaches new levels. 

Take a poll of dreaded phrases a doctor can utter to a patient, and chances are “You’re going to need a colonoscopy,” will make the top ten.  Why?  Perhaps it’s the image the mere mention of the procedure connotes: plumbing devices snaking their way through one’s bowels.  All fetishes aside, it ain’t a pretty picture.  Some of the preparation for a colonoscopy is a lot like preparing for any surgical procedure.  You have to fast on a diet of clear foods for 24 to 72 hours beforehand.  But that’s where the similarities end.

By all accounts, the worst part of the preparation is drinking a solution that looks, tastes, smells and behaves like Drain-o for your intestines.  My mother referred to it as “two liters of hell,” as it set her nether regions on fire.  A friend referred to the concoction as “liquid Scrooge” because it incited a parade of meals from past, present and future to erupt from his ass.  The Ring of Fire has an evil twin that exists outside the realm of the Pacific Ocean.  Hopefully, the patient’s butt lava will only spew into his or her toilet.  My mother has not always been so lucky.  Let’s just say she had to sacrifice a few bathroom towels for the cause. 

I have always suspected that proctologists and gastroenterologists have to have a sense of humor about their job.  I just can’t imagine being exposed to that many ass-related problems and not having a good chuckle now and then.  And the stories they must have.   If you ever find yourself having to undergo an ass examination or exploratory procedure, take comfort in the fact that despite the humiliation, you’ll provide entertainment for the medical staff responsible for your well-being.  Lucky for all of us, one gastroenterologist was generous enough to share some of the most hilarious things he’s heard while his patients were under “conscious sedation”  (which involves drugs that relax the patient, but thankfully leave him with complete butt-probe amnesia).  Below, I’ve reprinted what the doctor overheard.  Enjoy!

1. ‘Take it easy, Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’

3. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’ 

4. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’

5. ‘You know, in Arkansas , we’re now legally married.’

6. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’

7. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’

8. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’

9. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!

10. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’

11. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’

12. ‘God, now I know why I am not gay.’

And the best one of all.

13. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’

(Originally printed in the Miami Herald by Dave Berry.  Read a copy of the entire article:


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