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Crap is the New Black: Thoughts on Black Friday

25 Nov

Jane avoids shopping like the plague and will only go when necessary.  Heidi enjoys the thrill of hunting for good deals.  This is how they weigh in on The Mother of All Shopping Days: Black Friday.

Jane:  I think I might be missing something essential in the genetic make-up of the American female, because I could give a shit about shopping.  My girlfriends call me up and ask me to go shopping or to attend  shopping parties.  This is like asking me if I would like a root canal without anesthesia.  The invite always makes me feel awful because the invitee is always so excited about it.

“It will be fun!” they promise.

Sometimes there is even a girlish squeal that accompanies the invitation.   If I shoot the idea down, I feel like the Grinch who shot Santa.  But, seriously, for me there really is no thrill in it.

Shopping is an act I only perform when necessary.  There is occasional joy, but only when I have stumbled upon the ideal gift for someone else, or I’ve happened upon the elusive “perfect jeans.”   Recreational shopping?  Browsing? No thanks.   So, it should come as no surprise that my attitude towards Black Friday is a big thumbs down—lining up around the block at the crack of dawn in anticipation of potential deals?

No.  Freakin.’ Way.

One of the many reasons for my aversion is that schlepping from store to store activates my shit reflex.  This reflex kicks into high gear in Target and grocery stores specifically.  I don’t know why.

I refer to this phenomenon as S.S.S.:  Shopping Shit Syndrome.

Heidi:  I too suffer from S.S.S.  I don’t share Jane’s complete disdain for shopping, but while I relish the hunt for a bargain, I am dreading a potential S.S.S. attack during my upcoming Best Buy Black Friday shopping mission.

Can you imagine what those bathrooms are going to be like? All those people crammed into the stores just a day after stuffing their faces with turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing and pies galore? As they say, what goes in must come out and on Friday, all those colons will be readying for their once a year colossal craps. When their bowels decide, “it’s time!” guess where those people will be?

This is why I’m dreading my outing to Best Buy. Sure, we’ll get a good deal on a new laptop for Chris, but what if my own bowels decide, “it’s time!” just as everyone else’s colon is doing the same thing. Not only will I have to wait in line, but I’m sure I’ll have to wait in line for a destroyed bathroom stall. And God forbid if the stores don’t prepare with enough toilet paper for the inevitable onslaught, an unfortunate situation could turn into Hell on Earth with fights over toilet paper, not laughing Tickle Me Elmos.

Call us crazy but we don’t fear the crowds of the checkout lines, but the lines of the restrooms and what awaits us when we get there.

So, as Jane stays home on Black Friday and I brave the crowds to get one of those great deals, we hope you escape the Shopping Shit Syndrome that plagues us so regularly.

Do you suffer from Shopping Shit Syndrome? Tell us about it and feel free to join the conversation on Twitter: #shoppingshitsyndrome

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