Tag Archives: pet poop

Pet Peeves

21 Nov

What do roofing nails, a ten dollar bill, a tampon, a rubber ducky and human hair all have in common?  They’re all items that our Twitter followers and Facebook fans have found in their pets’ feces. 

The pieces of bird, mole and squirrel I regularly discover in my dog’s scat make me feel like I’m filming an episode of National Geographic Explorer.  My three-year-old, Phoebe, and I take a daily survey of our yard.   Phoebe will dutifully peruse the grass and then point excitedly at a turd and exclaim, “Look Mommy, Gretzky ate a bird.  There’s a beak!”  I take pride in my daughter’s powers of deductive reasoning as well as my dog’s amazing hunting abilities.

Don’t get me wrong, Gretzky’s crap isn’t always met with a sense of childhood wonder and maternal pride.  The dog has made some poor choices over the years that we have paid for dearly.  Just a few weeks ago the canine decided to revisit a mole carcass he had ferreted away under our deck.  The maggot-infested meal hit him hard sometime in the middle of the night. Seeking to prolong discovery, Gretzky squatted indoors in an undisclosed location.  Undisclosed, until the following night. 

On the phone with a friend who was in the throes of a bitter divorce, I walked up the stairs to the only second-story room in our house.  Two days earlier, Phoebe and I had completed a giant dinosaur puzzle on the floor and left it there to decorate the room like an area rug.  Apparently the myriad bushes, trees and grass that graced the dinosaurs’ landscape enticed Gretzky into taking a dump only fit for the outdoors. 

Forever the multi-tasker, I listened to my friend while putting the puzzle away in its box.  One of the puzzle pieces was covered in a brown-green slime.  I looked up.  There were six little piles of shit in various nooks and crannies of the room.  The expletives I shrieked upset my poor friend.  No matter how much I apologized, I could tell he was a little peeved that I was cleaning up dog shit while he told the crushing story of how his wife had left him.  Gretzky just whined and stood there with his tail between his legs.  He felt bad, but I was pissed off that he had no hands to lend to the clean-up.

Perhaps the most embarrassing Gretzky crap was the one he took on our first walk with him five years ago.  Glowing with domestic bliss, my husband and I walked the pooch we had only owned for two days.  In those short forty-eight hours, however, Gretzky had managed to ingest one of my hairs.  One of my very long hairs.   

Whatever he had eaten along with the hair produced a tiny little nugget which, judging from the dog’s violently shaking hindquarters, had the consistency of cement.  The poor guy just crouched there in the grass, looking up at us with sad hound dog eyes that pleaded, “Help me.”

Then my husband and I saw something impossible.  The turd was suspended in midair between Gretzky’s ass and the ground.  No, wait.  The butt nugget was dangling from a very long strand of my hair.  His hind legs continued to convulse, and he started to whine.

“This is pathetic.  He needs help getting it out,” my husband said.  “Not it.”

“What the hell do you mean? ‘Not it.’  This isn’t elementary school, man.  You can’t just opt out of parental responsibilities by shouting something you say during Tag.”

“All I’m saying is, my hair is not that long.”

Damnit.  He had an excellent point. 

The plastic bag originally intended to pick up the poop became a makeshift glove I used to cover my hand while I pulled my own hair out of the dog’s ass.

Whoosh!

Yes, folks.  It actually made a noise.  I had no idea the hair would serve as a ripcord for dispatching the foulest lump of shit I have ever encountered.   It was green and riddled with an assortment of berries, grass and bird beaks.   I was simultaneously revolted and amazed.  My husband was doubled over in laughter, a fact which inspired me to reserve his ‘Not It’ routine for a later date.   

I saved my ‘Not It’ for a baby diaper so foul I actually suspect, however irrationally, that Gretzky had something to do with it.


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