Tag Archives: poop humor

Guest Blog from Wendy Parker

15 Jul

“…I became certain I would drown in a Minnesota toilet.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ever have your posterior doused by an overly eager public toilet? Ever fear the EF5 vortex of those suckers will rip out your colon?  Guest blogger Wendy Parker understands.

Click on the link below and read Wendy’s hilarious rant on “Automatic Hell” in which she recounts the harrowing tale of a public loo with sinister sensor.

http://www.thegeorgeandwendyshow.com/91043352

World Water Day is March 22!

21 Mar

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Thirsty?  Want a glass of water?  Go get one.  Easy, right?  Most of us can simply walk to the nearest tap and drink what comes out.  Over a BILLION people in the world can’t do that.  They have no access to clean drinking water—as a result, 4,500 children die EVERY DAY.  

In 1993 the United Nations declared March 22 “World Water Day,” a day to bring awareness to the global water crisis.  This year’s theme is “The World is Thirsty Because We Are Hungry.”  I thought this was an odd theme before doing some research.  I thought I would just write a blog entry about how we all need to take shorter showers and follow the “if it’s yellow let it mellow; if it’s brown flush it down” philosophy. 

As with most crises the world faces, the elephant in the room is population growth.  There are a lot of people on the planet and only a finite amount of resources.  So what can we do?  This year the UN isn’t merely asking Westerners to turn off the tap while brushing their teeth—that kind of behavior is helpful, but it’s literally only a drop in the bucket. 

Most of us have become aware of the term “Carbon Footprint” in the past few years.  What is more surprising is the “Water Footprint” modern life impresses on the environment.  The majority of global water consumption isn’t from downing gallons of drinking water.  Agriculture is the main drain on the world’s water supply—farming accounts for over 90% of the world’s water consumption.  But we all need to eat.  In fact, most of our water intake actually comes from the foods we eat.  So how can we help mitigate water shortages and still feed the world? 

“Sustainable” is the new buzzword in the world of all things “Green” these days, but there’s a good reason for that.  We can’t simply siphon off the world’s resources indefinitely and expect that this behavior will “sustain” life as we know it.  That’s insane.  The principles of “sustainability” are especially applicable to water consumption.  One of the best things you can do to save water is going to sound really weird.  It’s a little more radical than turning off the faucet when you brush.  Brace yourself. 

Eat less meat.

Don’t freak out.  I didn’t say eat none.  Just less.  To produce one pound of beef it takes between 2,500 to 5,000 gallons of water.  To produce one pound of wheat it only takes 25 gallons.  Yep.  Grains and vegetables demand MUCH less water.

But take heart.  This behavior will not only lessen your individual impact on the environment and save water specifically, it will also help you personally.  Your overall health will improve.  Modern medicine backs this up—I’m not just some hippie telling you to hug a cow.  Google “Meat consumption and cancer” and see the scary stuff that pops up from reputable sources.  Yikes!

So eat less meat.  Your prostate and colon will thank you.  And you’ll lessen your “Water Footprint.” 

Happy World Water Day!

For more information on World Water Day visit http://www.unwater.org/worldwaterday/

Are you now depressed about the world’s water crisis?  Need a laugh? Buy Flush This Book and not only will you laugh, but you’ll be donating to two great organizations that help improve sanitation and access to clean water world wide.  We will donate a portion of our proceeds to the World Toilet Organization and DefeatDD.

Hooters Girl EDC – An Everyday Carry Spoof

8 Jan

There is an internet phenomenon that we recently discovered where anonymous people post videos of their EDC or Everyday Carry.  A listing in Wikipedia describes EDC:

Everyday carry (EDC) or Every Day Carry refers to a small collection of tools, equipment and supplies that are carried on a daily basis to assist in tackling situations ranging from the mundane to the disastrous. The term EDC also refers to the philosophy or spirit of ‘preparedness’ that goes along with the selection and carrying of these items. Implicit in the term is the sense that an EDC is an individual’s personal selection of equipment, arrived at after deliberation, rather than a standardized kit.

Here is a funny/extreme example of a typical EDC video:

 

We decided to create our own EDC video – one that pokes a little fun at the phenomenon in our own poop humor way. Enjoy!

 

Guest Blog Post: Capt Cliff on IBS and World Toilet Day

27 Dec

Cliff Mazer, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist in Private Practice in Sandy Springs  Georgia. He specializes in sex therapy and eating disorders. He resides in Atlanta, Georgia and has a thing for Pirates and really nice bathrooms. He was diagnosed with IBS this year.

During the day I’m supposed to be a licensed Psychologist and role model of rationality and emotional stability. At night however I revert to my alter ego as a Jewish Pirate and IBS sufferer. I also have a thing for toilets. Toilets and World Toilet Day, which was celebrated last month are subjects near and dear to my heart.

The campaign is oriented to promoting the fact that there is a pressing need (no pun intended) for toilets and better sanitation around the globe. Matt Damon has publicly addressed the tissue, er issue, by reminding us that there are more people on Earth who own cell phones than people with functioning toilets.

Ever since visiting the polished copper lavatories at the Madonna Inn in San Louis Obispo, California as a child, I have been fascinated by toilets and become somewhat of a connoisseur of bathrooms that combine the blessed trinity of form, function, and excellent ventilation. How irritating is it to visit a good friend at their nice house, stay at a swanky hotel in Las Vegas, or eat at a fantastic upscale restaurant in New York City or San Francisco (right off the dining room), only to find that they lack a simple bathroom fan that would provide adequate noise cancelling effects as well as sufficient air flow/ventilation? Awkward much?

I dont mean to talk shit but let’s face it, this is a part of being human that makes us all equal, no matter how much money we have, how fancy and expensive a car we drive, or how good-looking we might be. No matter how big or small our butt is, we all have to park our rear ends on the porcelain throne and do our business. The only difference is that Donald Trump’s throne is gold plated. I still, however, think he’s a big asshole, and that his shit DOES stink.

I admit that I may come by my obsession for toiletry by virtue of my Ashkenazi German Jewish heritage. Consider how many Yiddish words there are for poop……..too many to mention here, in fact. Let’s just say that snow is to the Eskimo as “drek” is to the average anal Jewish person with my family background.

Dont believe me? Look up the names of GI doctors and licensed Proctologists in the phone book and count how many Dr. Goldsteins and Dr. Schwartz’s there are. We specialize in Nobel prizes, entertainment, medicine, and…..shit.

Even in non academic circles and sans professional accreditation my people have shown an unusual interest in all things related to bowel function. Passing gas and engaging in “productive” BM’s are considered, along with music, food, culture and literature to be important avocations of the truly civilized.

In contrast, constipation, irregularity and the absence of stool is seen as a sign of weakness, infirmity and pity. “Oy, I havent gone in 3 days!” was perceived in my youth, not just as a simple complaint, but as a full fledged lament and solemn prayer for absolution. Such an utterance evoked not only tremendous empathy from others, but also the ultimate Kinnahora (the evil eye/spirit that was so feared it engendered an immediate superstitious behavior like spitting or throwing salt over the shoulder to ward off doom or in this case catching a bad case of constipation).

For those of you guys (goys) who cant grasp what I am saying, consider what is worse, chronic constipation or unremitting insomnia, day after day, week after week? To the Jew, both suck big time, but most of us would prefer to stay up all nite watching old reruns of the Honeymooners and the original Twilight Zone then spend a whole day with a full roll of Charmin and nothing to show for it.

Lastly, I just returned from Boca, visiting my cousin Donna at her “pied de terre” at Century Village, also known as “Cemetery Village” to the locals who are used to the nightly sirens and fire trucks cruising into the complex searching for the latest casualty to old age and old school delicatessen food (Ben’s Deli was excellent). Not only were the bathrooms in the clubhouse meticulous and the toilets so powerful that I nearly felt my hind end sucked into the vortex by the industrial turbines they use for waste disposal, but the elderly residents conversations were rife with references to all things bladder and bowel.

On the last day I was fortunate to visit the nearby Morikami Japanese Garden and Museum.  After touring the exquisite gardens we entered the original Yamato house now turned into an art center and architectural display of Japanese culture. While most of the others pondered the superbly tended bonsai trees, the colorful food court, and the intricate Samurai drawings and sculpture, I however, was mesmerized by the 2011 Japanese Toto high tech toilet demonstration.

Not only does that baby wash, dry and sanitize your tush, but it plays music, has temperature controls more sensitive then my Lexus, and can respond to multiple language voice commands. As far as I’m concerned that trumps Trumps sleazy gilded bath fixtures any day. More on this subject later. Right now I gotta go…..so to speak. CaptCliff has IBS. Arrgh!

Buy Flush This Book For Only 99 Cents!

17 Nov

Flush This Book: True Tales of Bodily Malfunctions now on sale!Fans of the Flush This Book project! We have put together a small ebook that’s now available through Amazon and Apple iBookstore for only 99 cents!

The best part of this ebook is why we’re putting it out there. We’re partnering with an international non-profit called the World Toilet Organization that implements sanitation systems in developing countries to prevent the spread of deadly diseases.

A portion of the proceeds from the ebook, and all our future editions of Flush This Book, will go to this worthwhile cause. This Saturday, November 19, is World Toilet Day, a day to give thought to the global sanitation crisis. No, we didn’t make it up- it’s a real thing. Google it. Every year more than 2 million children under the age of 5 will die from diseases they contracted due to poor sanitation. The World Toilet Organization is on a mission to bring that number down.

Please help us help them. It’s only 99 cents. And if you’d leave a review on Amazon we’ll love you forever!  Also, in just a matter of days, the ebook will be available on Barnes and Noble for those with the Nook.

Buy Flush This Book on Amazon

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