Tag Archives: writing your name in the snow

Battle of the Sexes: Pissing Edition

23 Mar

When it comes to peeing outside, men certainly have an unfair advantage.  The equipment practically begs to swing free in the breeze, free to water the grass or write a name in the snow.  When a woman has to pee away from access to indoor plumbing, she is forced to conduct reconnaissance, look for adequate cover, squat, and then shake her rear-end a bit and hope to God no one but her best girlfriends saw the debacle.  

Since I was a little girl, I remember being jealous of men’s ability to simply drop their pants and water the grass.  This envy was first evoked when I watched my father simply pull over to the side of the road during a road trip, pee, and then return to the driver’s seat in less than ninety seconds.  Had my mother, my sister or myself felt the urge, the scene would have unfolded a bit differently.  When a woman is on the road she has to start looking for rest area stops miles in advance of desperation or risk “Special-Ops Mode”, which may include the opening of both car doors to produce makeshift privacy shields. 

“Special-Ops Mode” is not solely reserved for road trips.  A stretch of city sidewalk after the bars have all closed, a parking lot that takes eons to empty after a concert, a long hiking trail- any of these will force girlfriends to play look-out for one another while our male counterparts simply find a tree, a car, anything really, and pretend to merely peruse their surroundings. 

As someone who has been cursed with a tiny bladder, I can’t help but get a little green when I hear my husband, a professional helicopter pilot in the Gulf of Mexico, discuss how he flies around for hours and if he has to pee at an unmanned, no-facilities, platform 100 miles offshore, he simply pisses in the wind. 

“What do female pilots do?” I asked.

Apparently there is a very complicated and secretive protocol that female pilots reveal to their fledgling female colleagues when they enter the fold.  God forbid other pilots buzzing around the Gulf risk the distraction of a bare female ass. 

For all my bitching here, I really don’t have a viable solution.  Do we change the social norms so that the female squat becomes just as acceptable as the male’s watering-the-tree-stance?  I’m pretty open, but I don’t think I want to see that.  I’ve heard there’s a hose-like apparatus…but who wants to lug that around in their purse?  And you thought having a tampon make an unannounced appearance on the check-out counter is mortifying enough, thank you.

I guess what makes me so bitter about the male advantage in The Great Outdoors, is that the men I know seem to flaunt it.  When we moved into our new home, one of the first things my husband did was piss off the deck into our backyard.  Is this some residual caveman urge to mark territory?  Add some alcohol to the mix and every single man I have ever known has gone out of his way, shirking the available indoor plumbing, to pee outside by choice

I asked them why.  Why would you do that?  The response?  They enjoy the “freedom of it.”  “It just comes naturally.”  The most common answer is that they do it because they can.   And therein lies the source of my envy. 

So ladies, we’ll just have to take comfort in the things we can do that they can’t.  Yeah, yeah.  We can have a baby, but that hurts.  A lot.  I mean take comfort in the things that don’t suck, like multi-task effectively, use both sides of our brain simultaneously, find things in refrigerators and closets.  And last, but not least, enjoy lower car insurance premiums.  I guess even pissing in the wind has its price. 

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